I Shall Return!

Ok, fine, so maybe you won this battle. You had a better showing than I thought. Congratulations, you know what that means? You've just given me new motivation to stay alive longer. Why? So I can taste the sweetness of victory when I finally crush you.

So, I'm taking off to Florida right now. Screw it, you can have the San Antonio Summer. I don't need this city. The golf courses here suck anyway.

But before you start slapping yourselves on the back, realize this: my spies tell me there will something HUGE coming up in the Fall. And when I get confirmation of the next event, I'll be back in a hearbeat with a new prosthetic hip and ready to kick all your lazy asses up and down the street. Laugh it up while you can slackers because it won't last long.

I shall return!

yours truly,

Colonel D. Williams (Ret.)

Congratulations! You've Accomplished Nothing!

Ok, so you had a decent turnout for the Summit, well not as big as 1947, but it was ok. And you're probably patting yourselves on the back thinking you've got me licked. Hardly. Whenever you're cruising down the road, I'll be behind you in my electric wheelchair waiting to put my cane in your spokes. Whenever you lock your bike outside a bar, I'll be there in my van crushing it underneath my hydraulic wheelchair lift. And when you're in the ditch eating dirt, I'll be there laughing.

That's right, you have not seen the last of Colonel D. Williams (Ret.)!

I Have In My Hand A List Of Known Bike Gangs

That's right little girls, espionage. I have my hands on a list of known gangs for the loser's convention, I'm sorry, I mean Bike Gang Summit. Basically, by printing this list I'm clearing myself of any liability in case I run you off the road with my electric wheelchair and stick my cane in your spokes. When you're in the ditch eating dirt wondering why your life sucks, don't come and blame me! You have been warned!

Here's an incomplete list of bike gangs for tonight who now agree for me to run them off the road with my electric wheelchair and stick my cane in their spoke. Two wheels bitches, you wouldn't get mad at a fellow brother of the road, would you?

And without further whatever, here's the list of shame:

The Southtown Sissies

Gang Green

The Marfa Lights

Hell's Unwanted (or something like that, I think they're French. Ughh.)

The Fucking Jim Dandies

The Van Trapps

The Pee Wee Hermanns

The Legion of Superheroes


The list goes on and my prostate aches even more...

Keep fighting the good fight!

D-Day Is Here

It's gutcheck time. Have you done everything you can do to ensure that the Bike Gang Summit will be a total failure? And I don't mean sitting around all palsy-walsy with your friends with your thumb in the mouth hoping its going to keep raining. The battle goes on. The weather wasn't ideal when we stormed the beaches of Normandy. Sheesh, 'ol Ike almost had to cancel the operation. And so what if the weather isn't ideal today? The bike thugs will be out there. COUNT ON IT. They're like roaches on a hot summer night.

So, have you done everything you can do?

UPDATE: So it looks like its going to full of sunshine and rainbows and crap for the summit tonight. Yawn. It'll just make it easier for me to spot the enemy. Good luck tonight bike gangsters. And by good luck, I mean go to hell you lazy SOBs.

Bike Gang Summit Flyer - Whoopty Fudging Doo

So they have a flyer. Yawn. Now there's something other than the weather channel to make me fall asleep at night.

A Letter from a Reader

I just received this letter from a reader. If Hitler didn't intimidate me, then I don't see how this pip-squeak geek is going to do it. Hear it is. What a gas.

"Dear Colonel Dickweed (Ret.),

I'm sorry if you have no friends. Why not get a poodle? Or better yet, make better friends with Pat Sajack and Vanna White. Your ranting and raving isn't going to stop hundreds of people from coming into town for the summit and getting buckwild crazy. If anything its doing just the opposite. So keep up the retarded blogging. I think its going to be a great ride. If anything you should get the bike out of the garage and come down to join us. You might even have fun."

What a dumb jerk. He thinks he can stop me from writing. Nice try! But not good enough.

Keep fighting the good fight!

5 Scientific Reasons Why The Summit Is Bad For The City

So you think I'm just some old coot with sour grapes? Baloney! Examine these cold hard facts of what goes on during the Summit:

1. Gas stations close all around town. Why? Don't blame the Saudis this time. Bike hooligans scare cars from exerting their natural right of dominating the road. Without cars on the road, what's next? Subway systems and godless Communism? No thanks mister!

2. The pregnancy rate explodes during the Summit. Great. 40 weeks later a bunch of bastard little bike hooligans are born. I've always been against abortion, but geez Louise this makes me wonder if its not so bad ever now and then...

3. Dancing on the Sabbath. Men and women gyrating their sweaty bodies until the late, sinful hours. Do I have to keep going? Isn't it obvious why this is terrible?

4. Drinking at bars. This leads to points #2 and #3. Ugh..

5. It comforts the Terrorists.


As you can see, this whole scenario is a perfect storm of dancing, singing, carousing, drinking, and general self-indulgent anarchy.