Troop Movement

First off, to all the dumb bike morons - screw YOU.

There was an accident on 1-10 that kept me from getting to the ride on time. I'm considering suing the city manager or whoever has made a mess of the once noble American interstate system, but fine, whatever, I'll let it go.

I'm keeping my nurse Hector on retainor and I'm loading up in the RV to head down to Del Rio. There's supposed to be a good surgeon on the other side of the river in Black Rock that can help me with my artificial hip. BAMC is getting crowded and evidently don't have space for the Colonel right now.

So anyway, to conclude - screw off bike gangsters. You didn't prove anything except that you are all morons. I will outlast all of you even if it takes extended periods of cryogenics and other forms of experimental medicine. If you don't hear from me anytime soon it means either I'm too busy having more fun than you, or, I'm on ice taking a break for a while.

dismissed

the Colonel of Truth

One Day Left

As I waited off the cliffs of Dover that fateful Summer day in June of 1944, the weather wasn't perfect, our attack was almost canceled, but we stuck to it. And we prevailed.

Of course I'm referring to the most important day in the history of humanity when we stormed the beaches of Normandy and crushed evil and, as I mentioned before, basically changed the course of history and how we describe this thing called evil.

And now a second such moment occurs.

So, in that spirit its time for us to get out the canes, pump air into the wheel chairs tires, look into the mirror past all the wrinkles and melanomas and find the face of a hero.

We will prevail. We must! Otherwise, our deadbeat children will collect our life insurance payments and use it for ugly remodeling jobs for their ugly houses. Screw that!

Bravo Company, roll call! Who's with me!

Where to Buy A Good Cane (For Knocking Dumb Kids Off Their Bike)

I have been getting literally hundreds of emails from fellow protestors telling me that they are afraid to use their favorite cane on the bike gang summit to knock people off their bikes. People are afraid that they will scuff up their cane which they need to use to walk on occasion (if only I was so lucky...)

This is a legitimate concern. That's why I'm posting a link to this website: http://canemart.com/

It seems they have all sorts of deals on a variety of canes. So, for those who don't want to trash one of their favorite family canes on knocking some dumb kids off their bike, I understand. I'm considering the "Fritz" model, though the "Crook" could work just as well.

Okay...dismissed.

The Colonel of Truth (Colonel D. Williams (Ret.))

Zombie Youth Culture

On Saturday evening at around 6:30 pm I was at the Menger bar enjoying a Singapore Whore, that's a drink me and the guys from Alpha Team used to drink when were on R and R.

As I looked out the window I saw all these misguided kids dressed like zombies walking around acting like they were the walking dead or something. Tourists around me thought it was so neat. I raised my cane and yelled "Why? The youth of today are all zombies anyway. What's the difference?"

I was too busy soaking up the atmosphere of the great Teddy Roosevelt to let a bunch of drifters and miscreants interrupt my moment. And it was then that I saw a quote by Teddy Roosevelt on the wall that seemed appropriate.

"Only those are fit to live who do not fear to die; And none are fit to die who have shrunk from the joy of life and the duty of life. Both life and death are part of the same great adventure."

I had a tear in my eye as I waited for Hector to pull up in the van to give me a ride to group water aerobics. Hector was five minutes late so I cussed him out in public to let him know that excessive tardiness is not acceptable.

Another Flyer? Looks Just As Bad As the First

Seems like an act of desperation to me. I think they forgot the fifth step - go home and cry in the mirror because I'm a big failure. Or should that be step one?

Parking Information for the Protest

For all my brothers of Bravo and Charlie Company I thought I would post some info on where to park our wheel-chair accessible vans so we can wheel over to the beginning of the ride and remind these young hooligans that freedom isn't free.

So the ride is starting under a freeway in a field next to Pigstand. Huh?

Anyway, south on Alamo street a few blocks is Maverick Park. There seem to be some parking spaces around there south of Jones street. Look for my custom van with the mural of the bald eagle on the side. And if there are more than one vans with that same mural, then look for the WHITE van. That will be mine.

Here's some sort of map info:

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&geocode=&time=&date=&ttype=&q=10th+and+alamo+street+san+antonio+tx&sll=29.431637,-98.481939&sspn=0.011886,0.014055&ie=UTF8&ll=29.432608,-98.481553&spn=0.011886,0.014055&z=16&iwloc=addr&om=1


If my nurse Hector was around I'd get him to pretty that up a bit.


People could also park in the Government Hill area but I can't verify its safety.

Anyway, I hope that helps.

Oh yeah - for any bike gangsters reading this (assuming they can read), go eat some raw eggs you losers.

as always,

the Colonel of Truth (Colonel D. Williams (Ret.))

Colonel vs. the Buck Private (Part 1 of 237 of the Debate)

This is just one part of the debate between me, the Colonel, and some shadowy character named 'Jones', assuming that's even a real name. Jones. That's the oldest trick in the book. I can't stand misrepresentation. It makes my prostate ache. My nurse harangues me to take saw palmetto supplements to alleviate the pressure but I'm not into eating saw dust or whatever the hell it is.

Anyway, the "debate", assuming we can even call it that. I tried to be fair like O'Reilly. I gave him enough rope to break free. Instead he hung himself with it. It's troubling to read because its so painful, but here it is: Part 1 of 237 of the Debate, the Colonel vs. the Buck Private. Women and children probably should not keep reading.

(Also, Hector my nurse transcribed all this so if there are any mistakes don't blame me, blame Hector!)

Colonel: So how long have you been a member of the Communist Party? Always, or is this something you just recently heard about from the lyrics of some stupid band so you thought you would jump in head first like ever other dumb kid who thinks he knows more than his elders?

(Pause)

Jones:...I thought we were going to talk about bikes?

Colonel: Short attention span - that's a problem with your generation, huh?

(No response.)

Colonel: Huh?!

Jones: Next question.

Colonel: Your obstinance is weighing on me. (Quietly) Alright let's move on. Did you come from a broken home? In other words, is all this bike summit stuff a part of some cycle of abuse?

Jones: Was that a pun?

Colonel: What are you talking about?

Jones: - cycle of abuse.

Colonel: Will you answer the damn question!

Jones: I thought this was going to be a debate of ideas.

Colonel: Well, it's difficult when you have none. Between you and me, I'm wiping the floor with you.

Jones: You haven't asked me a real question yet.

Colonel: So you quit? Already? What are you French?

(At this point there is the sound of rustling like a bag being packed, a wheelchair revving its electrical engine, paper being thrown in the air, a door slamming shut.)

TO BE CONTINUED...

Average Day in the Life of the Colonel

This morning as I was wheeling down the street in my wheelchair I was in a good mood. My battery was at full charge. I just had a wonderful cup of Folgers. Like I said, things were good. Then, I saw a gentleman walking his dog and said, "Good morning sir! And how is your day going?" He looked at me blankly (what other expression does the youth of today have?) and then turned the other way and kept walking. What kind of society do we now live in?

That's fine. Later in the day I pulled up in my RV and emptied all of my septic tank into his front yard.

So, how is your day going now?

A Brief Haiku for My Fellow Soldiers

The road will be long,
Our energy can't fail us,
Especially not when I have a barium enema scheduled for 8:30 tomorrow morning and my artificial hip is aching like the anti-Christ.


I'm still dabbling with the form and the whole 5-7-5 thing, which I might have messed up a bit, but I wanted to take this moment to let my fellow soldiers know that you aren't forgotten in this battle to end the Bike Gang Summit.

WE WILL PREVAIL!

,the Colonel of Truth (Colonel D. Williams (Ret.))

Bike Gang Summit Flyer - Whoopty Fudging Doo, Again

Is It All A Lie?

Is it all a lie?

That's what the hundreds of emails have been asking me. And when I pressed them further this is what they tell me. "There's no way this could be real. It's too ridiculous. How could this Bike Gang Summit actually exist?"

That's right. Because this retarded youth culture bike gang movement is so debased, people are assuming that I invented it to show how stupid the kids of today are! If only I was that clever. There's no substitute for the real thing. The youth of today find ways to embarrass themselves well beyond anything I could invent.

Nonetheless, to prove skeptics wrong I have asked my enemy, a shadowy character named 'Jones' to a debate and on occasion, guest blog on this site so people can see for themselves that I have not invented this Bike Gang Summit fiasco and that youth is still as debaucherous and unapologetically hedonistic as ever.

Stay tuned. The debate will begin shortly. Please send me any questions you want me to ask. I've been studying Bill O'Reilly to try and be fair and balanced but I'm afraid I might not be as even handed as the great O'Reilly.

To my friends, I thank you for your support.

To the members of the Bike Gang Summit 2, go suck on some raw eggs.

,as always,

,the Colonel of Truth,

Colonel D. Williams (Ret.)

To Hell and Back

After having caused much trouble from afar, and having been described in Stars and Bars as the "C.A. Stubbs of the San Antonio art scene", I have decided to make my return back home to San Antonio to make life hell for all the evildoers. Of course I'm referring to the careless youth of "our" generation.

And why in particular am I returning now? Is it because my experimental hip surgery was a smashing sucess? Because the San Antonio golf courses have suddenly improved? No, and no. The true reason - the Bike Gang Summit has resurfaced! I pride myself on being the light to this nefarious shadow group.

My spies have told me that there will be a second Bike Gang Summit for Halloween on Saturday night, October 27th. The meeting point will be sometime around 6:23pm in the field next to Pigstand on Broadway. The reasons for that location and precise time are a mystery, but really who cares? I pass this along now so that we can begin forming a counter-protest ride. I encourage all my brothers from Charlie and Bravo company to join me on my wheelchair as we run these young hooligans off the road!

More details to come soon. I'm web-logging this from a truckstop in Slidell, Lousianna.

Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated!

dismissed,

The Colonel of Truth (Colonel D. Williams (Ret.))

Update from the Land of Eternal Youth

Well, my experimental hip replacement surgery went pretty well. As I look out my hospital window memories come flooding over me. At times I ask myself, "is my work here done yet?" The answer - a clear no. I feel young again. I feel like I'm 77 again! There's so much to teach the misguided youth of today!

Now begins the long process of rehab. Oh sure it will be a lot of work but I can't wait to make it back to San Antonio in time for the Fall. It's what keeps me alive.

You have not heard the last of Colonel D. Williams (Ret.)

I Shall Return!

Ok, fine, so maybe you won this battle. You had a better showing than I thought. Congratulations, you know what that means? You've just given me new motivation to stay alive longer. Why? So I can taste the sweetness of victory when I finally crush you.

So, I'm taking off to Florida right now. Screw it, you can have the San Antonio Summer. I don't need this city. The golf courses here suck anyway.

But before you start slapping yourselves on the back, realize this: my spies tell me there will something HUGE coming up in the Fall. And when I get confirmation of the next event, I'll be back in a hearbeat with a new prosthetic hip and ready to kick all your lazy asses up and down the street. Laugh it up while you can slackers because it won't last long.

I shall return!

yours truly,

Colonel D. Williams (Ret.)

Congratulations! You've Accomplished Nothing!

Ok, so you had a decent turnout for the Summit, well not as big as 1947, but it was ok. And you're probably patting yourselves on the back thinking you've got me licked. Hardly. Whenever you're cruising down the road, I'll be behind you in my electric wheelchair waiting to put my cane in your spokes. Whenever you lock your bike outside a bar, I'll be there in my van crushing it underneath my hydraulic wheelchair lift. And when you're in the ditch eating dirt, I'll be there laughing.

That's right, you have not seen the last of Colonel D. Williams (Ret.)!

I Have In My Hand A List Of Known Bike Gangs

That's right little girls, espionage. I have my hands on a list of known gangs for the loser's convention, I'm sorry, I mean Bike Gang Summit. Basically, by printing this list I'm clearing myself of any liability in case I run you off the road with my electric wheelchair and stick my cane in your spokes. When you're in the ditch eating dirt wondering why your life sucks, don't come and blame me! You have been warned!

Here's an incomplete list of bike gangs for tonight who now agree for me to run them off the road with my electric wheelchair and stick my cane in their spoke. Two wheels bitches, you wouldn't get mad at a fellow brother of the road, would you?

And without further whatever, here's the list of shame:

The Southtown Sissies

Gang Green

The Marfa Lights

Hell's Unwanted (or something like that, I think they're French. Ughh.)

The Fucking Jim Dandies

The Van Trapps

The Pee Wee Hermanns

The Legion of Superheroes


The list goes on and my prostate aches even more...

Keep fighting the good fight!

D-Day Is Here

It's gutcheck time. Have you done everything you can do to ensure that the Bike Gang Summit will be a total failure? And I don't mean sitting around all palsy-walsy with your friends with your thumb in the mouth hoping its going to keep raining. The battle goes on. The weather wasn't ideal when we stormed the beaches of Normandy. Sheesh, 'ol Ike almost had to cancel the operation. And so what if the weather isn't ideal today? The bike thugs will be out there. COUNT ON IT. They're like roaches on a hot summer night.

So, have you done everything you can do?

UPDATE: So it looks like its going to full of sunshine and rainbows and crap for the summit tonight. Yawn. It'll just make it easier for me to spot the enemy. Good luck tonight bike gangsters. And by good luck, I mean go to hell you lazy SOBs.

Bike Gang Summit Flyer - Whoopty Fudging Doo

So they have a flyer. Yawn. Now there's something other than the weather channel to make me fall asleep at night.

A Letter from a Reader

I just received this letter from a reader. If Hitler didn't intimidate me, then I don't see how this pip-squeak geek is going to do it. Hear it is. What a gas.

"Dear Colonel Dickweed (Ret.),

I'm sorry if you have no friends. Why not get a poodle? Or better yet, make better friends with Pat Sajack and Vanna White. Your ranting and raving isn't going to stop hundreds of people from coming into town for the summit and getting buckwild crazy. If anything its doing just the opposite. So keep up the retarded blogging. I think its going to be a great ride. If anything you should get the bike out of the garage and come down to join us. You might even have fun."

What a dumb jerk. He thinks he can stop me from writing. Nice try! But not good enough.

Keep fighting the good fight!

5 Scientific Reasons Why The Summit Is Bad For The City

So you think I'm just some old coot with sour grapes? Baloney! Examine these cold hard facts of what goes on during the Summit:

1. Gas stations close all around town. Why? Don't blame the Saudis this time. Bike hooligans scare cars from exerting their natural right of dominating the road. Without cars on the road, what's next? Subway systems and godless Communism? No thanks mister!

2. The pregnancy rate explodes during the Summit. Great. 40 weeks later a bunch of bastard little bike hooligans are born. I've always been against abortion, but geez Louise this makes me wonder if its not so bad ever now and then...

3. Dancing on the Sabbath. Men and women gyrating their sweaty bodies until the late, sinful hours. Do I have to keep going? Isn't it obvious why this is terrible?

4. Drinking at bars. This leads to points #2 and #3. Ugh..

5. It comforts the Terrorists.


As you can see, this whole scenario is a perfect storm of dancing, singing, carousing, drinking, and general self-indulgent anarchy.

"Scorchers Terrorize Horse Carriages on Kaiser Wilhelm Street"

Below is an article I found at the Institute of Texan Cultures from the San Antonio Light, June 14th, 1897. Just reading it makes my damn prostate ache. Will there ever be peace from the oppression of bike gang summits?

"A new form of menace has begun to plague the noble city of San Antonio de Bexar. This menace is a group of street hooligans known as the "Scorchers". Their form of transportation is the newly popular bicycle. As citizens ride their horse carriages home from work, the "Scorchers" are known to lay in wait and then blaze down the cobblestone streets at maddening speeds, terrorizing the honest German citizens and horses of Kaiser Wilhelm Street.

An interview with Burgermeister Steves brought this comment, "The 'Scorchers' are a threat to our way of life, which naturally is the horse and buggy. We will do whatever it takes to preserve that way of life. They will be crushed."

Defenders of the "Scorchers" claim they are only having fun and that they have a right to the road as much as the horse. This opinion, of course, is in the minority.

Anyone who sees the Scorchers should not engage them and report them to the nearest constable."


I'm not racist because one of my best friends is a Czech, but if I were Burgermeister Steves I would have rounded up those malingering Czech hooligans and put them on their bikes and told them to ride straight into damn Medina Lake and don't stop pedalling. But I suppose that wouldn't be 'politically correct' nowadays, or whatever that mumbo jumbo is. Good Lord, my prostate is killing me.

Keep fighting the good fight!

A Note on the Bike Gang Summit of 1947

The bike gang summit of 1947. Oh that was a real lollapaloosa. I was riding with the ol’ South Alamo Scorchers at the time. Worst mistake of my life. God, if I could do it over again I would have never picked up that Schwinn Cruiser.

Gangs came from all over – the Rio Grand Valley, Houston, Fort Worth, Jourdantown. And that doesn’t include the carpetbaggers from across the country, like the Boardwalk Bombers from Atlantic City or the Bunkerhill Boys from downtown Los Angeles [1]. There were over a hundred bike gangs at least. Thousands of people cruising the streets like they owned them or something. It was decadent. It was “a roaring good time”. It was disgusting.

The SAPD came out on horseback to restore order but they were no match. For that weekend, the bike gangs ruled the city. After that the Good Government League convinced the City Council to pass some legislation to curb the problem. In a bold new interpretation of the Immigration Act of 1924, as well as the Posse Comitatus Act, the City Council was able to limit the influx of undesirable out of town bike gang elements [2]. Sadly, during the re-emergence of bike gang culture in 1967 (which I will go into later), the ACLU was able to reverse the City Council’s brave ruling.

And so that is the Summit of 1947’s legacy. Forgotten. Times of war often see an increase in bike gang culture. It’s been this way since the Spanish-American War (and the Summit of 1897), WWI (and the Summit of 1917), WWII (the Summit of 1947), Vietnam (the Summit of 1967), and now here with the Iraq War II (the Summit of 2007???)

What will it be San Antonio? Will history repeat itself?


Footnotes

[1] “The Bicycles of Wrath. How a bunch of Jordantown dirt farmers brought the Alamo City to its knees.” Tidmore, Zachariah. San Antonio Light 03/22/47.

[2] “Bicycle Gangs =Communists? The Prosecution of Bicycle Gang Culture.” Smith, Lawrence. University of Texas Press. Austin, 1961.

Why I’m Against this Bicycle Gang Summit (And Every Bike Gang Summit!)

I spend most of my time in retirement doing three things: 1) collecting rare gold coins, 2) teaching kids firearm safety, 3) and most importantly, lecturing about the evils of bicycle gang summits. Why do I dedicate my life to stopping bike gang summits? Sadly, because I was once a member of a bicycle gang.

As a youth I rode with a bicycle gang. And I made all the horrible choices one could make – nights of moral bankruptcy, dancing on the Sabbath, carousing with unmarried women. Life is too short to throw it away on such meaningless pursuits! That is why I chose a different path. After coming back from the war and seeing my fellow soldiers throw it all away by joining these bicycle gangs, I had to do something. Hitler was one tough son of a gun allright, but getting people to give up these bike gangs has been the biggest battle of my life.

So while all my fellow veterans are out playing bingo at the VFW Hall or at home watching Wheel of Fortune, I’m going to be here on my computer fighting the good fight and educating the next greatest generation on what not to do with their life.

Thanks for joining the movement!